The premise of this blog is taking quotes from pop culture and tweaking them slightly so that they apply to characters from Homer’s Iliad (recently expanded to anything ‘classical’). It amuses me. You should totally follow it. Y’know, if you’re a classicist. The following is something that I actually wrote months ago and had hanging around uselessly until I discovered “OMG there is a Tumblr blog that is literally all about doing this.”
H’okay, so, here’s the Aegean. S’chilling. ”Dang, that is a sweet sea,” you might say. WRONG! All right; ruling out the Hittites invading, a huge barbarian horde becoming crashed into us, the gods leaving, and Thera exploding, we’re definitely all going to stab each other. H’okay. So basically we’ve got Troy, Crete, Lydia, Egypt, Ethiopia, Thrace, the Amazons and us with demigods. We’ve got about twenty-six hundred more than anybody else… whatever. H’anyway. One day we decides those Trojan sons of a bitches are going down, so we launch a thousand ships at Troy. While they’re on their way, Troy is like “shit, shit, who the fuck brought Helen here?” “Oh well, Hector will save us!” Then Helen is like “shit, Paris, that’s my husband; he’s coming! Fire our shit!” ”But I’m tired.” ”Well… have a nap. THEN FIRE YOUR ARROWS!” Meanwhile, Italy is over there like “mamma mia, WTF?” Lydia, Ethiopia and the Amazons send their guys, so now we’ve got heroes charging everywhere, passing each other. Achilles is like “PATROCLUS, NOOOOOOOOO!” Then Hector’s like “well, I’m dead. Better get on with it.” So now Greece is like “fuck, we’re dumbasses,” Philoctetes is like “wait, what the hell did I miss?” Italy is still like “mamma mia, WTF?” China is laughing at us, and some huge barbarian horde is like “well, fuck that.” So. Now we’ve got the fall of Troy. Everyone’s dead, except Aeneas, and he’s like “mamma mia, WTF?” And they’ll be in charge one day. Fucking Romans. But, assuming we don’t all stab each other, us Ithacans just have to work out Ithaca drifting away from the rest of Greece. To go hang with Scheria. Cyprus can come too.
- like, Homer or someone
Which is a reference to this, if you don’t recognise it.